An Open Letter to Joe Biden

Because I recently posted a list of discussion points I would like to have with Sarah Palin (by the way, she has not responded to my letter), it is fair and balanced that I provide equal time and concern for the Democrat’s nominee for Vice President. Now, up until a few weeks ago I mocked all things “bloggy.” I hated the term (actually still think its silly) and found no interest in any wisdom culled from the “blogosphere” (possibly the dumbest fake osphere there is). But then came the RNC Convention and the Talking Points attacks on the “elite media” who were inquiring as to the background, experience, and views of the new conservative Vice Presidential nominee. Since no national print, network or cable press organization were allowed to talk to the nominee, the only folks doing the vetting happened to be bloggers.

Folks, I am in a recliner right now in the recline position. I am watching last nights Letterman (how perfect is Julia Louis-Dreyfus?) on the DiVo. I barely have shorts and a t-shirt on, and I am eating a nectarine. I am sure I am elevating the professionalism level of those “elite” media organizations who dared to find out what the RNC did not want you to know. But, I digress. Back to the Ten Things I Want to Say to Joe Biden, as we near the Veep Debate this Thursday.

10. Land of the Lost. Please, Joe, tell me that you know that dinosaurs and humans did not co-exist as claims your opponent. Yes, Will and Marshall and Holly (as well as Cha-Ka) ran from T-Rex and friends on a fantasy tv show when the Governor and I were children – but I’d like to believe that those episodes were not run alongside The Flintstones on the Alaskan Discovery Channel.

9. Get On Top of Your Past Pt. 1. Somehow you have avoided having to be re-wrung over the 1988 campaign in which you were smacked out of the ring for alleged plagiarism. Although plagiarism was not your mistake, allowing it to fester under your admirable career, was. Before the vast Rove wing conspiracy brings out Mikey D’s old campaign ads, be sure you have a team of defeaters in place, including Dukakis. He has the time on his hands. Hell, get Olympia Dukakis.
8. How’s Your Family? No, really, I want to know. I should see your wife and sons making your case. Why? Well, they aren’t idiots and people may just find their real-life stories as appealing as naming your kid after part of a shotgun. Speaking of shotguns, your son Beau is a soldier, don’t be afraid to share the mantle of sacrifice with your competitor. Speaking of shotgun weddings, would you, in the name of Dan Quayle, PLEASE insert some friggin’ Family Values into this race!

7. Get on Top of Your Past Pt. 2. Yeah, at some point they are going to start running ads showing you suggesting a Kerry-McCain ticket in 2004. Those clips are better than porn to Rove. Better have a good answer – and it shouldn’t be anything stupid like your Hilary Would Have Been Better Than Me statement.

6. Say Cheese! You have the best teeth ever to run for high office since 1960. Use them! You are warm and funny, you don’t have a scowl or a deer-in-headlights glaze. At the debate you should laugh…often. Every time she says something like "I've read most of them, again with a great appreciation for the press, for the media,” when asked what specific newspapers or magazines she gets her news from. Laugh and say “And you were a journalism major?” or “Great appreciation? You’ve got to be kidding.” I think the color incredulous is the right shade for you this Thursday.

5. Don’t Play Sun City. In the Eighties you were a loud voice against the Reagan Administration’s terrible policies which supported investment in apartheid South Africa. That leadership helped frame a national moral stance which I believe was more important than any Reagan speech telling the Russians to “tear down” a wall that was already crumbling. No, the USA led a world movement to provide true liberty to a nation without ever pulling a trigger.

4. Get On Top of Your Past Pt. 3. You know, Joe, you know. They have yet to fight. There is a bunker somewhere under Karl’s Kave in which a loop of your “He’s articulate and bright and clean” is playing over a bed of Mantovani. Let your running mate make the joke about it in your presence.

3. Hey, Joe, You’re 65! Your opponents do not like sexist attacks, and thinks their nominee is “experienced.” However you are old (to her) and she loves to mockingly point out that you entered the Senate when she was in 2nd grade. That just makes her ageist. And possibly unaware that her running mate is 6 years older than you. Tell her off for mocking your service to your country and suggest that if she had studied those speeches from your Senate career, she may be able to answer questions without having to “get back” to the reporter with an answer!

2. And another thing… Don’t let the nuances get lost. When Palin attacks your longevity in Congress, please point out that in your last re-election you won 53% of the vote and pulled in more votes than her “Maverick Reformer” win in equally small Alaska two years ago! You are still viable! (For doubters, just know that I also do not think McCain is too old to be President. I think he's too crazy and dangerously ignorant, but not too old)

1. Put the Needle On the Record Put the Needle On the Record Put the Needle on the Record. Joe Biden you can honestly claim a history of doing the right thing. Bipartisan work with Bush to boost his global AIDS portfolio, Violence Against Women Act, tons of cops on the street and a declining crime rate in direct correlation, drug prevention beyond Just Say No, actually calling a war criminal a “war criminal” to his face and pushing for our involvement in Bosnia, and a relentless attempt to get people to challenge this Administration’s failed Iraq policies. You just never seem to get those things out before you say something stupid.